I have reached page 15 on my letter chronicling my rise, fall and gentle slide into sleep.
"We used to be in a band and we used to get together every week. I used to wear a wooly hat without a badge and we all had different hair."
And on comes the jazz.
If you close your eyes you can smell the whiskey and cigarettes in this broken bar. Where would I go but here?
How do I get there?
We should go on a roadtrip.

Life is an advert for what comes next.
And life is pointless, but life is good.

Gentlemen and ladies, I know that you are reading.
I simply don't know why.
I like driving, drinking and making mistakes.
But its been a normal day.
And I think we're all doing fine.

God bless TANAOU on spotify.

Oh no. Oh shit. Oh fuck.
What a good week so far.
Recently I have been enjoying doing nothing at all.
Especially with my friends.
And.
Um.
I like comics etc etc.

This was pointless.

I don't suppose you know what they say.
Really it goes without saying.
"Hungry for love, ready to drown".

I enjoy our weird little poetry sessions.
We all write for each other and ourselves, but never about these things.
So ambiguous.
Then again, that's half the fun.

Fuck you all, I'm going to see Blur.

Just when you think you're not thinking.
It turns out I've been drink driving all week.
Whoops.

I hit The Wall and I hit it hard.
Turned it up all the way home and sat on my drive.
climbed a tree in the dark and wished I had a hammock to live in.
And someone else to do it with.

And now I'm drinking in bed, looking at your god damn face.
And today was going to be so good.

Oh shit I did it again.
And I was doing so well.
You could say this is more addictive than cigarettes.
I don't have time to shower.
My room is full of you.

I need smoke, cereal and action.
And I feel fucking great.
Everytime I go down my own special road I stop under the tree and sit on my roof.
Cool air feels good on my feet.
Because I'm covered in sweat.
And the sun is shining and I have the whole world ahead of me.
I'm all sorted out.

15 days. 14 maybe.
I don't know.
But today was great!

It's gonna be one hell of a summer.
Once we get past the point of all this shit.

We are what we are, get in the goddamn car.
Drive.
Old haunts, smoking outside houses and thinking back on your own.
Go and sit down an alley.
Think about the good things.

Drive home.
Open sunroof.
Enjoy the rain.

Wake up and don't shave. Don't shower.
Have a piss and comb your hair.
Leave.

It went Reggae.Dub.
Reggae.Ska.Punk.
SuburbanTrouble.
Fullstop.

When you wake up with a hangover made of bad decisions.
And sleep the same every night.
And when you feel alone.
Don't you wish it could stop?
When you drop the stupid pretences and get down to what ought to matter.
And it doesn't. Because no one feels the same.
And when you want to push it all out.
Not with a bullet or with drugs, but with a song and some solid ground.
When you're bored.
When it all comes together and you're still grinding your teeth.
Breaking your jaw.
And how I want to say I love you.
And oh it will never happen.

Tonight was slow, but it was long.
Who the fuck are you and when are we going to sort this out?

Tonight I'll sleep alone and I'll sleep naked.
And I'll wake up.
And shave. And shower. And it'll go Ska.Ska.Guitar.

80.
90.
130.
I almost hit a rabbit.
Pretty soon I'm going to crash this car.

And I straight up miss you.
Straight up.

Eugh.
Today I woke up late.
Too late to help a friend, but it worked out in the end.
This weekend is gonna kill me.

I am a bad driver, but I get places fast.
Maybe I can drive over to Kingsthorpe.
Man, I hate your replacement.

My leg hurts.

Kids, today's motto is not to forgive, but to regret.
And never forget.
Unless it suits your plans.

And never care about the future because things just happen to work.
Whether you're there or not.
Things will always work and you can't just be a cog.
In a machine.
So be an amateur-guerilla photographer instead.

And don't buy CDs.
Steal them.
And don't buy books.
Just read them.
And don't burn bridges.
Steal them.

And the most important of all.
Is.
Don't be scared.
Especially not of smoking.

At some point you stop giving a shit about people you ought to like.
And that may sound harsh now, but give it a few days and somehow I really don't think you'll care.
Or remember.

I have watched many movies and they were all OK and none of them great.
It doesn't make sense but I'm okay with that.
It would be cool if you answered the door more often though.

And now I have to find a place to keep my comics.

I can't believe I just said no.
Man, that could have been great.
Why did I think about my friend first? I don't even like him that much.

I need to start riding places again.
Tomorrow let's go to Olney.
Except I won't because I'm meeting someone.
And it is going to be awkward.

I haven't spoken to anyone much this week.
Some part of me doesn't really mind.
And I don't have a bed right now.
So I'm just sleeping where I fall.

To be honest I feel quite liberated.

Will you ever get tired of talking?
Jesus christ it's all we ever do. You'd think it's fine to sit.
Or sleep.
In peace.

And yes, I am aware that I am a bastard and a loudmouth.
But at least I've got better friends than you.
And opinions.
And no options.

But I don't think you know what that feels like.
And I don't think you'd like me much.
But I'm fine with that.
Just like Gonzo.
Just like that.

You know I gotta have that record.
Can't sleep.
Spin it again.
Can't sleep.
Drink.
Eat.
Shower.
Go about the day.

And I'll have you stuck in my head for a very long time.

Beatboxing is lame.
Betaboxing is where it's at.
And I just got back from work.
And I'm eating a sundae in bed, drinking it down with a nice and peachy cider.

Later I'll meet my good friend in the first time in forever.
But first I have to go to college and sign some papers.
Some people just aren't too happy with me it seems.

I'm gonna get my hard-drive.
And I'm gonna get my records.
And I'm gonna take all my friends to tescos.
And then we'll get fucked up.

So I can drive now.
And I have a car in which to do it.
That's good, but I'm so fucking bored.
I wish I knew how to get to moulton college so I could meet Hayden.
I wish I had a portable record player so I could take this show on the road.
EVRYBODY LISTEN! MY MUSIC IS THE BEST!
Is what I've been thinking a lot today, teaching my brother about punk and ska.
Turns out I love my family.
Thanks.

Today is going to be a good fucking day.
I only wish I wasn't sober.

I was doing fine today until I saw a picture of us all drinking tea.
How depressing that I don't think we can ever go back there.
Cause we all fucked up and screwed each other over.
I still miss you, but now we're talking about different people.
And whatever happened to glasses being sexy?
I don't think that died.

I'm sorry mum and dad if I ever let you down.
And oh I know I have, you've just got to find out.
Because of all the smoking and climbing out my window and never going to sleep.
There's pop and then there's punk and today I feel like neither.
No Children.
Is the song I want to hear them play when my life is put into a montage, because it's honestly how I feel.
"I hope that our few remaining friends give up on trying to save us. I hope we come up with a failsafe plot to piss off the dumb few that forgave us.
I hope the fences we mended fall down beneath their own weight and I hope we hang on past the last exit.
I hope it's already too late.
And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here someday burns down and I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away and I never come back to this town again in my life.
I hope I lie and tell everyone you were a good wife
And I hope you die. I hope we both die"

Isn't that just a lovely message to send?
And I said I'd buy you flowers, but that isn't completely true. Because I'll grow them myself.
This might take a while, but you know that you deserve it.
When you're one of the best things in my life.
And I know you know it.

One day we'll all go to France, but I don't think it'll truly happen.
Everyone leaves and everyone dies.
But I refuse.
So smoke smoke smoke.
Drink.
And dream of drinking coffee in a bottomless mug, just the way I like it.
And never wake up.
It's not worth it today.